Obsessive Over-thinker.

When you over-think, you can only ever go either one of two ways…
You can either be too hopeful, or you can create problems that aren’t there.

Over-thinking can never lead anyone in the right direction. This is probably the main cause of unnecessary fights and break-ups… Not just in relationships between couples, but between friends too.

I am guilty of doing this, it’s probably one of the main reasons I hate being alone, because all I do is think, it doesn’t matter if I’m thinking about my life or the floor tiles in my bathroom, I will somehow conduct a scenario in my head of the most random and most irrelevant situation, just to piss myself off… Then I don’t even stop there, I carry it on, I build it up so much in my head that it starts to feel like reality, and I start to believe in it, then whatever that certain scenario made me feel like, would be how I feel for the rest of the day or the rest of the evening, but even if it’s positive, I remind myself that it’s bullshit and I’m letting my mind wander… So either way, I end up pretty upset.

Whoever else does this to themselves, (and I’m more than sure that there are plenty of us out there who do this) we are crazy… I can’t say that we’re not, because let’s face it, I bet you people who have their shit together and lives planned out don’t have this problem, all they have to decide is what colour walls they want for their houses and what shoes to wear tomorrow, and what if they don’t match their outfits for the day.

What I’m trying to say is, people like us, the over-thinkers of the world, what we do to ourselves, creating these random problems that were never there to start with, this is how we sabotage whatever happiness we have, because we go into the “what if’s” and the “but’s” of everything, thus breaking our own hearts.

I haven’t gone that far yet with doing this (and hopefully I won’t), however I have made myself overly emotional about situations I made up in my head, which is not only crazy, but extremely unhealthy too.
So I feel like that this problem needs to go. I need to stop this, and so do you.

Ladies we are Queens, the sooner we start remembering that, the better…

Make good choices.

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Obsessive Over-thinker.

Cultural Complications.

Being of middle-eastern cultures, living in a very western time, makes it difficult to keep up with others of different cultures. Anyone like me will understand this better, but it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is so used to having his way about being with someone. Norbert is starting to see the complications of being with me with my cultural religious family and that scares me because it puts him in question, is this going to push him over the edge? Am I no longer what he wants? Is this going to be too much for him? But then I don’t want someone who could give up on me based on my families’ cultural beliefs.. he needs to respect and understand it, and together we can just hope that in time they change their minds.

I don’t mean it about us getting intimate with each other because that isn’t the problem here, we do. I’m meaning the facts that I live with my family and when he sleeps over he has to sleep in a guest room and I wouldn’t be allowed to sleep at his, not to say I don’t because we do find our way. But then there’s the whole travelling together, going on cute trips together… I would love more than anything to be able to do that with him, but it’s not an option for us… I’m sure if there was a group trip we could manage it, but I need him to understand that it’s hard for me and painful to know that I can’t give him everything he wants, especially knowing he’s done it with his ex. It just makes me feel like I have to compete when that’s not at all what I want.

I’m sure many girls have been there, and know how scary it is to feel that they can lose the one they love because of something completely out of their control. I hate feeling insecure about him, it’s something I’ve never felt before because I’ve always been so secure about myself, and I just hate that he hasn’t made me feel that sense of security about him, like no matter what happens we will be okay, better than okay even, I want to hear him tell me that everything will work itself out and we will be perfect. It is something I need to feel. I can’t tell him about it because that’s just me asking him to make me feel secure, and it’s not the same security or satisfaction as hearing it come from him on his own.

I booked us a room at a hotel for the next weekend because I want to show him that there are alternatives to not being able to go on holiday together… And he told me that he got an interview for a job in his home town, which of course I am very proud of, and I’m happy for him that he got it, but it kills me to think that there’s even a small chance of him leaving, it brings tears to my eyes to think that I can’t stop him as much as I want to, I just want to look him in the eyes and say it “stay with me” , and I can’t go with him as much as I’d love to.

I guess it’s true what people say; being inlove is definitely the most astoundingly beautiful, and most excruciatingly painful feeling I have ever experienced. And it is the one thing I have no control over, and that just makes it all the more difficult for me to handle.

If you’re going through anything similar, I can actually guarantee that I know how you feel, and hope it gets better…

Make good choices.

Cultural Complications.

I Love You.

This is sort of a flashback blog, that will lead to the day that Norbert and I first said “I love you”, this is more like a timeline from when we met and the what if’s I’m going to be talking about because there are a tonne of them, as I’m sure there are with every relationship.

First there’s when we first met, at a brunch that I was really not planning on going to, but my close friend Bash, who’s like a brother to me kind of forced me to go, he kept saying there was a guy there named Norbert who was just my type, and naturally I laughed and we made jokes about it all… Then he kept pushing for me to go just for a bit and so I did, and Norbert and I obviously hit it off, spent our entire time there together, it was weirdly comfortable.

Then from that day on we spent every single day together, for 12 hours at a time, and I had confronted him about Voldi, and that was sort of a hectic time for us, because there was also the chance that he was going to go back to her and live with her, which usually in any normal case I would have walked away from him in a heartbeat, but a part of me refused to do that and I couldn’t understand why, until now of course… Even though there’s the whole “what if he went back?” thought… Thank God he didn’t though.

There was an evening where we talked about our pasts, and I was sort of secretive about mine, as I’m obviously not too pleased with it, I wasn’t fully honest with him about something very normal to hide from someone you would want something with, however, I hate lying and I eventually just had to come out and say it, even though he kind of dragged it out of me, but still, that was also a shitty time because he was really annoyed at that and I thought I’d blown it, which was when I told myself I’d do everything to fix it.

Then there was the trying to make him end it all with Voldi once and for all (there were several of these I don’t think I can place them all in the time line, so just assume after everything good, this came). That was probably the hardest thing I went through (bare in mind I went through it more times than I ever thought I would), because there were about a million questions in my head about it all.. even thinking about it now is hard, because he just kept her around for so long, if not her as a person then things about her, like pictures, that I really cannot get back into because this only stopped quite recently.

And then there was Valentines Day, he was my first ever Valentine, and it was just romantic because we had a picnic on the beach, it was freezing cold and windy so it was kind of a mess, but it was still adorable.

The day we said it. This was a really long day to start with, first, I picked him up from work, and we went to lunch and had dessert, went to his place. Had VIP tickets to a boat show that was unforgettable, as we just got drunk and tried acting snobbish towards other people, and when it ended we were sat in the VIP tent having as many free drinks as we could, baring in mind we said we weren’t going to drink that night… Then we met an Italian man who was just cute really. After the event, we walked around the streets and remembered that there was an Ed Sheeran concert nearby, and he was sort of “our” artist, then we couldn’t get into the concert but we managed to find this place where we sat on a bench right across from the stage from behind, and in between us and the stage was just a lake, so we sat there and listened to the rest of the concert, while I was sat facing him with my legs on his, and at the end of the song “Give Me Love”, he said my name, looked me in the eyes and just said it, and obviously I said it back because how could I not, I love him.. And I don’t think I can imagine myself saying it to anyone else and I never want to. “I love you” is a hard enough thing for me to say to one person, and now I can say it to him a hundred times over and I know I mean it, and I know he does too. It’s just such a beautiful feeling.

I don’t think there was ever a more romantic place he could have said it, it was perfect. I hope that you could all experience something like that moment I shared with him.

If you knew the details of our problems, I think that you could see that things really weren’t easy at all with us, things took so long to get to where we are right now, which is in a really amazing place.

Remember ladies and gentlemen, nothing worth while comes easy. It’s just like the saying “What comes easy, must go easy”- And things with Norbert were far from easy. So that must be a good sign right?

Make good choices.

I Love You.

Fear of Falling.

I’d like to just take a moment and say that I am an incredibly nosey person. It’s how I’ve always been, and I can’t help but feed my curiosity with anything that has my interest or attention.

Looking back at what information I’ve attained from being my nosey self, I know that it’s definitely not the right way to find things out. I’m referring to something I briefly mentioned in one of my first posts… My father’s affair.

I found out several years ago that he had been having an affair with a woman he used to work with, I had always had my suspicions about this, but one summer at our summer home, I found out for sure.

Basically, my dad gave me his Blackberry to charge in my bedroom, with the mistake of giving it to me unlocked, and this was the first time I had any of his devices at hand and unlocked. So ofcourse, I snooped. I went through his BBM chats looking for something, but hoping not to find it. Obviously, I was left disappointed, when I found long chats that had been going on for longer than I could scroll, thought I’d stop there, but no, naturally I couldn’t help but read these chats and cry for hours because it was right there… Solid evidence. Not just chats, but pictures of them together at our house when my mother, brother and I were on holiday… It was around 4 or 5 am when I called Jane crying about it, she had to sit there and calm me down for another hour and I was just torn apart at that moment.

That there, that was the moment I found myself disbelieving in love. It made me sick to my stomach, I thought of confronting him, I dropped hints several times, and he got the picture, but it’s been years and we have yet to have an actual conversation. I guess it would just make it real if we actually have to talk about it, and I can’t bring myself to doing that because it would break my family and I can’t bare the thought of my mom finding out, even though he is her husband, I’m sure she must have an idea.

Because of this, I have had such a problem with trusting people, especially guys… Even with Norbert, he and the ex were still communicating trying to be “friends”, and so I would find my eyes just always drawn to his phone. I guess I just have the constant fear that I’m the one being lied to now. Or that I’m going to read something that’s going to just hit home in a sense. Ladies, I know I’m not the only one, because we all know for a fact, you can not be friends with an ex… I don’t have an ex, so I can’t give a personal example, but when it came to everyone around me, they just couldn’t, there was always a hidden agenda involved like “trying to win them back” or “hoping for a second chance”.. So obviously them keeping in touch regardless of how far they were from each other physically, it just doesn’t sit well with me.
I am trying incredibly hard to not be that way, but because I was right about it once, I just feel like as long as they are in contact, I can’t give myself to him 100%, because until it is just me, 100% me, I will never fully trust him. I’ve seen some parts of what she’s been saying, and it just hurts to know that he also isn’t being honest about me to her. Men, if this is you, which I’m sure there are men out there who aren’t fully honest about their current significant other, when talking to their ex’s… If you want this current girl to stick around, you need to prove to her that she is the most important woman to you (that is not blood related obviously). You show her off, and you flaunt your relationship. Show her that you’re serious about her, otherwise she’s always going to question it.

Norbert and I have spent the entire weekend together, literally. The longest we were apart was when one of us went to the toilet… Everything with us was perfect, I couldn’t complain about anything if I wanted to, but then a part of me still can’t give in to him because there is still that constant fear. I can truly say that I love him. Never thought I’d be able to say that about a guy before, but now I can… And I’m so afraid that I might lose myself in loving him.

I was talking to a friend earlier and said “I think I’m falling inlove with him, and I’m really scared it’s going to destroy me…” and she said “It wouldn’t be love if it didn’t”.

So ladies, choose your men wisely & men, treat your women the way you want your daughters to be treated.

Make good choices.

Fear of Falling.

I’ve Lost Control.

There are some things in life that you can’t control, no matter how much you try to or how strong you are, these things seem to find their way through.

One of these things in particular are your feelings…

I recently have had a lot of feelings about a lot of different people that I just tried to hide and put aside for some time because I just didn’t want to have to deal with them. But now it’s time I put things down because otherwise, I’ll just explode, I’ve lost control.

Someone very close to my heart has also had a similar problem, this girl is I’ll refer to as Jane, has been head over heels for someone I’ll refer to him a Larry, because I’m too lazy to come up with something better. Larry is being a bit of a little bitch and Jane has been trying extremely hard to hide her feelings and put them aside until they blow over, but I’ve known her for almost 10 years, so I know better than anyone that this never works, especially not for her. Looking at how she’s dealing with the heartbreak- it is not at all what I would encourage, (sorry to say it babe, because I know you’re probably going to see this), she slept with others to sort of fill the void, which is not what we Queens do miss Jane. Us Queens stand strong and face this shit together, even though she has always been the type of person to want to fix herself and put on a strong facade because she believes in being independent, which I feel for, and I wish Larry would see it too. Because he’s just being a pussy now, and she’s still doing her best, and I am proud of that, considering what she’s come from in the past.

Something everyone needs to know is that changes can be made. In any sort of relationship or friendship; you just have to give them a chance, no matter the fear you have, nothing great comes easy, that’s for sure. Because when things are worked for, and I mean really worked for, then you feel how much it’s worth. – I’ve learned this first hand from my experiences with Norbert. Things with us were not at all easy to start with, you would know if you have read my past blogs, but now he’s more than just my boyfriend, he is currently also taken the role of being my best friend.

My own example of these feelings are the ones with Jane (not lesbian ones, relax). A little while ago she told me something that she did, that would usually be unforgivable in a friendship. And as much as I knew I shouldn’t have continued being friends with her, things were clear that no matter what happens with us, a part of me will always somehow want her, or even need her in my life. She was such a big part of my childhood, whether it be being a bad influence on me or the incredible memories we’ve made together. There are things that she will understand about me more than anyone, because she just gets it, and things with her are just comfortable in a sense, so she’s someone who I know I will always have around, because there always comes a time where we just sort of need to talk to each other, and I don’t think that’s ever changing,and at the end of the day, no matter what, I’ll always have a soft spot for her, because, well… I love her, and I guess I always will, (even though we fight every time we see each other.)

This one is difficult to write about because it’s difficult to put it into words, it is also about someone I love very much who is also very dear to me, and has a giant spot in my heart, I have recently referred to as Chelsea. She and I have had a whole lot of ups and downs in our friendship, and recently there have been more downs then ups. Due to Norbert being in my life, I haven’t seen her as much obviously, and I know that having a boyfriend shouldn’t change that, but it has. I don’t really have an excuse for it, but I also need her to know that these things happen, and she has been in my position before and she just needs to understand really. Talking things out are much better than exploding, this goes for any type of relationship, especially one like ours, considering she is like my sister, someone that I have possibly the most respect for, which is also why I’m saving this story for another blog, because it deserves one, and so does she.

A while back, I talked about how I didn’t really believe being in love and the aspect of it, and how it was all bullshit. Because no two people can be in that sort of bubble where they would never do anything to hurt one another for the rest of their lives… But I also mentioned that I hope someday someone could prove me wrong about it, because it seemed like it would be a beautiful thing… And right now, with Norbert, I’m slowly starting to believe in it…
My feelings for Norbert have just been sky rocketing really. There’s not much more to say, obviously I’m extremely afraid of getting my heart broken. Slowly, day by day, I am falling even harder for him, to the point that I think I might actually fall in love with him, like completely, and that scares me more than anything. I remember saying that when allowing yourself to fall for someone, you need to weigh everything that can develop or break with this person, and that you need to ask yourself repeatedly if they are worth getting your heartbroken for, because I’m negative like that, and realistically, when allowing yourself to fall for someone, you’re allowing them to break your heart, literally. I’ve never actually been in the position where I’ve had to make that decision, so I apologize for making it seem like it should be easy or something, because it was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. Giving him my heart, and letting him have the power to destroy it.

No matter what you go through, never lose yourself in the process. Whatever you’re going through, you need to always remember to take a step back, and reflect on yourself, and if you ever find yourself questioning whatever situation you find yourself in, then you need to take your time with it, because the smallest things can turn into something huge and then that will either make you, or break you.

Make good choices.

I’ve Lost Control.

Unexpected Turns.

I want to talk about unexpected turns of events today. Partially because that’s been happening quite a lot since the start of 2015, and I feel like we forget that sometimes these unexpected turns could be amazing and change your life in a positive manner, however other times they could make your stomach turn and could just change your life in the matter of seconds and these ones are the ones that fucking suck.

For myself, I have never had a boyfriend before, yeah I’ve had a couple of flings here and there, I thought I was “in love”  by the age of like 16- I had a fling with the guy for about a year and a half, I could have easily called him my boyfriend, but he was very clear and sneaky about that, so I knew it wasn’t that, but I was young and stupid and stuck around… That all changed when I found out the reason for that year and a half he made it clear to me that we were a “fling”  it was because he already had a girlfriend, don’t you worry, we made sure she knew about me, not that it made a difference because 4 years later, and they’re still together.

Now I never thought I would find a boyfriend for the longest time, I started this blog at the start of the year thinking I would take you guys on my delightfully unlucky experiences with men and other things like with family and friends… But looking now, I’m not so unlucky like I was before, because I have a family who loves me, (although that was never the issue), I have a small group of different types of amazing friends around the world and a couple that live here, and now I have Norbert too.

So what I am trying to say is that yeah, luck can change and so can your situations… For me thank God my situation took a positive turn, being with Norbert and all. I wish I could say the same for my friends though…

I have someone incredibly close to my heart who I had briefly mentioned before; She was engaged for 5 years and had her life planned out for her. Everything was sorted out, she was going to spend the rest of her life with this guy… For the sake of this story, I will name him… douchebag, so D-bag over here decided to make certain changes in his own life, more times than one, and my girl (let’s call her Kylie- because of her new hair style) stuck around even though she hated these changes, and I found them fucking strange, because they included having plastic surgery on his fugly face, only to make it worse. He then got an Audi R8, which I can’t really bitch about because if I could get one, I would… Anyways, this guy made these changes to his life and Kylie eventually looked past them because she loved him. And one day she woke up to find him involved with another girl, a “model” but this girl he is now with is some anorexic child, bare in mind he was a lot older than Kylie and this girl is significantly younger than her, so maybe next time I mention him I should name him “pedophile” because that just seems much more fitting.

Okay, so now you can imagine how drastically Kylie’s life changed, due to the dickhead move of D-bag Pedophile, she had to get herself in check and find herself a new place to live because she doesn’t have her parents there, and her whole life just turned around… I hate to have to use it as an example of a negative way life can turn, but when something this horrible happens, you know that something better has to be coming soon, like for her, she decided to move to Spain, and no doubt that she is going to love it.

I have given my personal example and one of my best friends’ example, so you can see the extents of these unexpected turns of events… I always believed that when something extremely horrific happened, then something incredible has to happen soon after, because it would just be such an unfair thing to happen, but I believe in God, and I believe that he is fair to those deserving.

But these quick changes have also taught me a valuable lesson, which I will now share;
– Never expect anything. Because that either leaves you disappointed or it just makes you wonder about everything. You have to just sit patiently and wait for what you want… I had to wait a while with Norbert, but if you were there on our last date then you would have seen how incredible it was, and would agree that he was worth the wait. Not just the wait for voldemort to be gone, but the wait from being single my whole life and not just being in relationships for the sake of having one, because that’s just stupid and borderline pathetic… I’ll admit there was a time that I felt that way, but then I had my incredible friends to remind me that it was stupid, so I hope you do too.

Make good choices.

Unexpected Turns.

If I Stay.

Things with Norbert have hit a bit of a wall recently, because of a certain someone else, who I have been referring to as Voldemort for quite witty reasons.. However that is not really the point of this blog.

Right now I am trying to weigh in the pro’s and con’s with me and Norbert, as we all find ourselves doing when it comes to desperate times and moments of weakness and struggle. Regardless of these pro’s and con’s I come up with in my head. My heart will still make the decision for me, and I know that it wouldn’t be the logical one because the truth is never the answer we want to hear, especially when we find ourselves even needing to make lists and give ourselves reasons to stay with someone.

First of all, if you find yourself in a position where you need to make a list of reasons why you should be with someone, or be without them, you know that you will most likely end up staying…
When you want to leave someone, you leave them. There are no “ifs” or “buts” in these scenarios, you will just walk away. It takes a lot of strength to do that if it’s someone you love, so good job if you can do that with ease. However, people still do it, they just leave, even when it’s hard as fuck. They walk away from what doesn’t serve them joy or make them happy anymore.

At the moment, Norbert is who makes me happy. I hate to admit it, but he is one of the better things in my life right now, and it hurts to think that I still have to walk away from it on Wednesday if Voldemort is still in the picture, because that was what I said… I said, that if on Wednesday she was still in his life, I wouldn’t be anymore. I gave my word, and now I have to stick to it. I also still have to protect myself from getting hurt by him. I have such a horrible feeling in my gut that on Wednesday I’m going to be disappointed, almost like I just feel nauseous all the time, and extremely nervous. All of which are feelings I have never felt before over a guy.

I truly hope he puts his foot down and just sets Voldemort straight. So that he and I can be happy… Although I feel like that would just be wishful thinking from my part. I am still fighting for him because I also can’t let Wednesday come before I have fought with everything in my power and tried my best. I can’t look back on this and regret not trying harder.

Which brings me to this… If I stay, would I be making a huge mistake? Would I regret it later?  Would I get my heart broken? Or maybe it could work out for a while… What if I stayed and things were amazing? What if he and I are perfect together? (Which really wouldn’t surprise me, because we really do have the best time together). If I stay, will it work out? Will he finally cut her off?

How long do I have to wait if I stay? Will it ever just be me? Am I even enough? Does he even think I’m worth it? If not, then what the fuck am I doing?

“Life is a pack of cards, you never know what hand you’re going to be dealt, so when the game begins and you look at your hand, make sure to keep the King and put down the Joker, because, you my lady, are the Queen.”

Make good choices.

If I Stay.