Being of middle-eastern cultures, living in a very western time, makes it difficult to keep up with others of different cultures. Anyone like me will understand this better, but it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is so used to having his way about being with someone. Norbert is starting to see the complications of being with me with my cultural religious family and that scares me because it puts him in question, is this going to push him over the edge? Am I no longer what he wants? Is this going to be too much for him? But then I don’t want someone who could give up on me based on my families’ cultural beliefs.. he needs to respect and understand it, and together we can just hope that in time they change their minds.
I don’t mean it about us getting intimate with each other because that isn’t the problem here, we do. I’m meaning the facts that I live with my family and when he sleeps over he has to sleep in a guest room and I wouldn’t be allowed to sleep at his, not to say I don’t because we do find our way. But then there’s the whole travelling together, going on cute trips together… I would love more than anything to be able to do that with him, but it’s not an option for us… I’m sure if there was a group trip we could manage it, but I need him to understand that it’s hard for me and painful to know that I can’t give him everything he wants, especially knowing he’s done it with his ex. It just makes me feel like I have to compete when that’s not at all what I want.
I’m sure many girls have been there, and know how scary it is to feel that they can lose the one they love because of something completely out of their control. I hate feeling insecure about him, it’s something I’ve never felt before because I’ve always been so secure about myself, and I just hate that he hasn’t made me feel that sense of security about him, like no matter what happens we will be okay, better than okay even, I want to hear him tell me that everything will work itself out and we will be perfect. It is something I need to feel. I can’t tell him about it because that’s just me asking him to make me feel secure, and it’s not the same security or satisfaction as hearing it come from him on his own.
I booked us a room at a hotel for the next weekend because I want to show him that there are alternatives to not being able to go on holiday together… And he told me that he got an interview for a job in his home town, which of course I am very proud of, and I’m happy for him that he got it, but it kills me to think that there’s even a small chance of him leaving, it brings tears to my eyes to think that I can’t stop him as much as I want to, I just want to look him in the eyes and say it “stay with me” , and I can’t go with him as much as I’d love to.
I guess it’s true what people say; being inlove is definitely the most astoundingly beautiful, and most excruciatingly painful feeling I have ever experienced. And it is the one thing I have no control over, and that just makes it all the more difficult for me to handle.
If you’re going through anything similar, I can actually guarantee that I know how you feel, and hope it gets better…
Make good choices.
delightfullyunlucky 